Planning a wedding engagement party

Having an engagement party is a convenient way to introduce your fiancé/fiancée to your family and friends. Today, in our mobile society, the bride and groom may not live near family or old friends, so having an engagement party is a quick way to introduce a future spouse to a group of people at one time. The following tips will help you plan a successful party.

• The parents of the either the bride or groom usually host the party, though a grandparent, an aunt and uncle, a close friend of the parents, or a godparent may choose to host it instead. If both sets of parents live in the same community and are acquainted, they might co-host the party. The bride and groom do not host their own engagement party. However, they might have an informal party with their friends at which they share their good news.

• It is okay to have two engagement parties, each hosted by one set of parents, if the parents of the bride and groom live in different communities and have different friends. If both families live in the same community, only one party is held and both sets of parents are invited. However, only the friends and family of the hosting parents are invited unless both sets of parents co-host the party.

• The purpose of the party is to celebrate the engagement. Therefore, the party should be held shortly after the engagement occurs and several months before the wedding. One of the hosting parents, usually the father, announces the engagement at the party and welcomes the groom/bride into their family.

• Invite only close friends and family who are also friends of the bride or groom, not just the parent’s friends. Don’t invite people you don’t intend to invite to the wedding.

• Keep the party simple and relaxed. You might have a barbeque or a cocktail party without a pre-planned program and at which guests can mingle and visit with the couple.

• Gifts aren’t usually given at engagement parties (that’s what showers are for). If they are, it is most often a bottle of wine or a wedding planning book for the bride. If someone brings a gift, the couple might accept it, then put it aside to be opened at a later time so  guests who didn’t bring anything aren’t embarrassed. Gifts of wine or food do not need to be served at the party.

Having an engagement party is one way to officially “kick off” the wedding planning process, so enjoy your time as you get better acquainted with each other’s families and friends before you become embroiled in all the planning details.

-© 2006, Glenna Tooman, Memory Makers Event Planning, LLC; all rights reserved

Flower Girl Responsibilities

Ring Bearer: The ring bearer is often a boy, though a girl may also serve as ring bearer.  It is acceptable to have more than one ring bearer, if desired, or none at all.  On the day of the wedding, the ring bearer will walk down the aisle after the bridesmaids and either before the flower girl or with her.  He/she will carry a pillow that has either the bride and groom’s rings attached to it, or plastic rings attached.

The child who is chosen to be the ring bearer should be old enough to understand what is happening and to cooperate with people who may be strangers without becoming frightened.  If the ceremony isn’t too long, the ring bearer may stand with the groomsmen.  If the child is young, or the ceremony is long, the child may take a seat with parents after he/she has given the rings to both the bride and the groom.  After the ceremony, the child may be more comfortable if he/she is able to change into other clothing.  Children do not stand in a receiving line.

Depending on the clothing the bride chooses for the ring bearer to wear, the ring bearer’s parents may be asked to purchase or rent the clothing.  The bride and groom should decide who will pay for the cost of the clothing before the child is asked to participate in the wedding, so there are no misunderstandings.  Generally, the parents pay the costs.

Flower Girl: Though either a girl or a boy can be a ring bearer, only a girl can be a flower girl.  It is acceptable to have more than one flower girl, if desired, or none at all.  Dress the flower girl like a child, rather than in a miniature formal.  The bride will decide what the flower girl wears and it may be necessary for the child’s parents to pay for the clothing.

During the wedding, the flower girl precedes the bride down the aisle and sprinkles flower petals for the bride to walk on (if allowed).  During the ceremony, she will stand beside the bridesmaids.  The child or children who act as flower girls should be old enough to understand what is happening and to cooperate with people who may be strangers without becoming frightened.  If the child is young, or the ceremony is long, it is acceptable for the flower girl to be seated with her parents if they are seated near the front of the room. The flower girl does not stand in a receiving line.

Candle Lighters: Older children or young adults should be chosen to act as candle lighters.  If there are numerous candles, you might choose two candle lighters.  If there are only a few candles, one candle lighter can probably handle them all.  If the candle lighters are male, they should be dressed in tuxedos or suits similar to those worn by the groomsmen.  In fact, the groomsmen or bridesmaids, or one of each, may act as candle lighters, if you prefer.  If the candle lighters are female, they should wear dresses that coordinate with those worn by the bridesmaids, but they do not need to match exactly.  Be certain the persons chosen to light the candles are tall enough to reach the top-most candles in the tallest candelabra.

The candle lighters will be the first members of the wedding party to walk down the aisle.  If there are candles on the ends of the pews, those should be lighted first, then the candles at the front of the room.  The candle lighters do not light the unity candle or side tapers unless requested to do so.  After lighting the candles, the candle lighters exit back up the aisle.  They may then be seated with their parents or the other guests.  After all members of the wedding party have left the sanctuary and the mothers of the bride and groom and grandmothers have been ushered out, the candle lighters may return to extinguish the candles if the bride chooses for them to do so. The candle lighters do not stand in a receiving line. Candle lighters or their parents may be asked to pay for their clothing for the wedding.

Ushers: The groomsmen may serve as ushers, or the groom may choose other individuals to serve.  Plan on having one usher for every 50 guests.  If people other than groomsmen serve as ushers, they should be dressed in tuxedos similar to those worn by the groomsmen, or in matching suits.  Ushers should not be dressed in casual shirts and slacks unless the wedding is casual.  Guests need to be able to identify them. The primary responsibility of the ushers is to seat the wedding guests before the ceremony.  Ushers will be given instructions at the rehearsal about where honored guests, such as mothers of the bride and groom and grandparents, are to be seated.

If the reception is being held at the same location as the ceremony, ushers may be asked to accept gifts as guests arrive.  At the end of the ceremony, after the wedding party has exited the sanctuary, two ushers will return to escort the mothers and grandmothers out and to dismiss the guests, unless the bride and groom choose to do it themselves. The ushers should be able to direct guests to the location of the reception, whether it is being held in another room in the same building or at another location.  They should also be familiar with the location of coat racks, rest rooms, nursery, and any other areas guests may need.  If the reception is being held in the same location as the ceremony, the ushers may be asked to assist in moving chairs, setting up tables, setting out centerpieces and other necessary activities to quickly prepare for the reception.

The ushers do not stand in a receiving line.  Ushers should remain in their tuxedos for a reasonable time during the reception before changing.  After changing, the tuxedos should be given to the best man or another designated individual, who will return them unless the usher paid for his own, then it is his responsibility to return it.

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When the members of the wedding party know what to do and work together, the wedding will proceed smoothly.

-© 2006 Glenna Tooman, Memory Makers Event Planning, LLC; all rights reserved

Bridesmaid Responsibilities

The Maid of Honor/Matron of Honor:  When accepting the honor of being the bride’s primary attendant, the maid/matron of honor should be prepared to pay for her dress and shoes and hair styling, unless the bride indicates otherwise.  She may also need to pay for her transportation and lodging if she is from out of town.

If the maid/matron of honor lives near the bride, she may want to take an active role in helping the bride plan the wedding, including going shopping, helping make decorations and decorating the wedding and/or reception sites.  It is also appropriate for the maid/matron of honor to host a bridal shower and be involved with the planning of a bachelorette party if she chooses to do so, but it is not required.  If the bridesmaids’ dresses are rented, the maid/matron of honor may be asked to pick them up the day before the wedding and return them after the wedding.

The maid of honor should be well acquainted with the details of the wedding plans so she can assist the wedding coordinator in handling any last-minute problems that might occur.  In order to fully understand the plans, she may want to attend at least one of the bride’s meetings with the wedding coordinator, if possible.  She should also work closely with the best man at the rehearsal and on the wedding day to be sure everything goes smoothly.

On the day of the wedding, the maid/matron of honor will be expected to do the following:

• Help the bride dress
• Precede the bride down the aisle
• Arrange the bride’s train during the ceremony, if needed
• Hold the bride’s bouquet during the ceremony
• Carry the groom’s ring, or get it from the ring-bearer’s pillow, and hand it to the bride at the appropriate time (unless the best man holds both rings)
• After the ceremony, she may stand in a receiving line, but she is not required to do so
• Communicate closely with the wedding coordinator on any necessary matter
• Sign the marriage license
• Give a toast at the reception if asked

After the wedding, the maid/matron of honor should assist in clean-up and removal of decorations.  She should collect and return any rented dresses or other items, and do anything else that the bride might request.

-© 2006 Glenna Tooman, Memory Makers Event Planning, LLC; all rights reserved

On the wedding day, the groomsmen may be asked to serve as ushers, seating the guests before the ceremony.  If they are not ushering, they should stay with the groom and best man after the pictures are completed, out of sight of the arriving guests.  It is tempting to mingle with the guests, but don’t give in to temptation.  Everyone can mingle at the reception.

Groomsmen act as escorts for the bridesmaids and stand near the best man during the wedding ceremony.  They should attend the reception and remain in their tuxedoes for a reasonable length of time before changing, preferably until most of the guests have left.  After changing, their tuxedos should be given to the best man, or another designated individual, who will see that the tuxes are returned to the rental shop.  (If the groomsmen each paid for the rental of his tux, rather than the groom, it is their responsibility to return them, not the best man’s.)

The groomsmen should help with clean-up and removal of decorations after the reception, if requested to do so.  If the ceremony and reception are being held at the same location, the groomsmen may be asked to move chairs from one area to another, set up tables, and do anything else needed to quickly prepare for the reception.  Groomsmen do not stand in a receiving line at the reception.

Bridesmaids: The bridesmaids may be asked to pay for their dresses and shoes and hair styling, unless the bride indicates otherwise.  They may also need to pay for transportation and lodging if they come from out of town.

During the ceremony, the bridesmaids walk down the aisle, either alone or with a groomsman, and before the maid/matron of honor.  After the ceremony, they will be escorted by a groomsman as they follow the maid/matron of honor and best man out.  They then proceed to the reception site as quickly as possible.  They should plan on remaining at the reception until most of the guests have left before they leave or change out of their wedding clothes.  If their help is needed, they should assist with clean-up and removal of decorations after the reception. The bridesmaids do not stand in a receiving line if one is held.

One or more of the bridesmaids may host a bridal shower if they would like to, but they do not have to if they can’t afford to or they live out of the area.  Bridesmaids and the maid of honor may host a shower together if they would like to.  Bridesmaids may also be involved in planning and paying for the bachelorette party.

-© 2006 Glenna Tooman, Memory Makers Event Planning, LLC; all rights reserved

On the day of the wedding the best man will have a number of responsibilities, including:

• Assist the groom in dressing
• Run last minute errands for the groom
• Work with the maid/matron of honor and wedding coordinator to handle any last minute details or problems that occur
• Assist with ushering if requested
• Escort the maid/matron of honor out of the sanctuary at the end of the ceremony.  If the bride chooses, the best man may also escort the maid/matron of honor down the aisle when the ceremony begins.
• Hand the bride’s ring to the groom during the ceremony.  The best man may either carry the ring, or retrieve it from the ring bearer’s pillow.  He may also be asked to carry the groom’s ring if the bride prefers.
• Pay the minister, organist, soloist, and any others that need to be paid for services rendered during the ceremony if they have not already been paid.  The groom or the person responsible for the payments will give the best man an envelope with a check enclosed for each service provider.  (The wedding coordinator may do this instead of the best man.)  (Note: The best man does not pay using his own funds.)
• If the reception is being held at a separate location, the best man may be asked to drive the bride and groom or other members of the wedding party to the site if they did not rent a limo.
• Sign the marriage license when requested to do so by the officiant

Unless the best man is also serving as an usher, he and the groom should retire to their dressing room after the pictures have been taken and while guests are arriving and being seated, generally 30 minutes before the ceremony begins.  It is tempting to mingle with the guests, but that is best left for the reception. The best man is not expected to stand in the receiving line, if there is one. He may be asked to give a toast at the reception.

After the reception ends, the best man should collect all the tuxedoes and return them to the rental shop at the designated time, unless the groom has made other arrangements. (Don’t forget the shoes.)  He should also assist with any post-wedding clean-up, removal of decorations, and transporting of  wedding gifts if the groom requests.

Note: It is acceptable for the groom to choose a female to serve as “best man.”  She is then called the honor attendant.  If there is an honor attendant, she should dress with the ladies, but join the men for photos.  She should wear a black dress or one in a color that matches the men’s tuxes/suits, rather than dressing like the bride’s attendants.  She would not assist the groom in dressing, nor would she escort the maid of honor out, though they may walk together.  She should wear a corsage rather than carrying a bouquet.

-© 2006 Glenna Tooman, Memory Makers Event Planning, LLC; all rights reserved

All members of the wedding party, including children, should be present at the wedding rehearsal.  However, the children do not need to attend the rehearsal dinner, which is usually held after the rehearsal.  If they are invited to the dinner, their parents should be invited also.  All adult members of the wedding party and their spouses should be invited to the rehearsal dinner.  If someone in the party is engaged or seriously involved, their fiancé or significant other should be invited as well. It is not necessary to invite casual dates.

On the wedding day, all members of the wedding party should be present when the wedding pictures are taken.  This may be either before or after the ceremony, or both.  The bride or her coordinator will inform everyone of where to be and when. Children should be accompanied by a parent.

-© 2006 Glenna Tooman, Memory Makers Event Planning, LLC; all rights reserved

• Showers should not be hosted by the bride, her mother, or by the mother of the groom except in certain circumstances. Instead, another relative, a close friend, a co-worker, or a member of the wedding party should act as hostess. The maid of honor does not have to host a shower, particularly if she doesn’t live near the bride or it would be difficult for her to have a shower either financially or time-wise. Mothers may help with a shower, but their names shouldn’t appear on the invitation. The only time it is socially acceptable for the mother of the groom to host a shower is when she lives in another location and the shower will provide an opportunity for the groom’s family and friends to honor the bride.
• It is okay to have more than one shower or no shower at all. If more than one shower is planned, don’t invite the same guests to multiple showers except for the mothers, the maid/matron of honor, and bridesmaids if they live nearby. When mothers and bridal attendants are invited to multiple showers, they are not expected to bring a gift to each one unless they can afford to do so and want to.
• The shower hostesses are responsible for the costs involved, not the guests. It is not necessary to spend a small fortune to have a shower. By having it at a home, church, or community club house, you won’t need to pay for the facility. If you plan a shower at a restaurant, don’t ask guests to pay for their own food. If you want to have a restaurant shower but you can’t afford to pay for dinner or lunch for everyone, then serve only dessert and beverages.
• Do not invite people to a shower that will not be invited to the wedding. Only the bride’s closer friends and family, not everyone she knows, should be invited to a shower. Don’t invite relatives who live out of the area, including mothers, unless you know they will attend. To invite out of towners gives the impression they were invited only for the gift.
• It is preferable to issue invitations in writing; however, if time does not permit, invitations can be issued by telephone, especially to family and close friends. Issue invitations by e-mail only to people you know check their e-mail frequently.
• Although the bride should not include gift registry information in the wedding invitation, it is acceptable for a shower hostess to mention the registry/registries in the shower invitation. Not everyone will take advantage of the registry since some guests may not like them or may not live near stores where the bride is registered. If you receive gifts similar to ones on your registry but they did not come from the store where you are registered, you will need to update your registry before the next shower or the wedding or risk receiving duplicate items.
• Don’t ask for money in lieu of gifts. If the bride doesn’t need household items, then don’t have a shower. The only time it is acceptable to ask for money is to purchase a large item as a group gift, such as a microwave or vacuum cleaner. Then, the hostess can suggest that those who want to contribute towards the gift may, but guests should not be expected to participate unless they choose to do so.
• Showers should be held before the wedding (and receptions after). Occasionally, in smaller communities and churches, a shower will be held after the wedding for a bride who eloped. This is technically a violation of etiquette, but if the ladies want to honor the bride, then go ahead and do so.
• Be sure someone writes down information about the gifts and the names of the givers as gifts are opened. If possible, send thank you notes before the wedding, so you aren’t swamped later. Even if you verbally thank your guests at the shower, you should still follow up with a written note. And don’t use labels – addresses and notes should be hand written, including your return address. Thank you notes should be sent within three months of the shower, and preferably before the thank you notes for the wedding gifts are sent.
• • Do plan some type of entertainment at the shower. It might be games or some other activity of the hostess’s choosing, such as a luncheon or a tea; however, don’t plan games or activities that could be embarrassing to the bride or other guests. Inviting guests to come, then simply opening gifts and serving dessert can be perceived as a blatant request for gifts and can offend your guests.
• Today, numerous home party plans, from Pampered Chef to lingerie, offer shower options. If the bride likes the products of a particular company, this can be a convenient way to have a shower. The guests can order gifts the bride has chosen in advance and they can order things for themselves as well. All the hostess needs to provide is refreshments.
• Co-ed showers are increasingly popular. Give the groom gifts of tools, garden items, or something related to a hobby or interest. Don’t give the bride lingerie at this type of shower. Most men don’t like games, so forego the party games. Instead, have a barbeque or something similar.

© 2006, Glenna Tooman, Memory Makers Event Planning, LLC; all rights reserved

Begin by looking through magazines and at web sites to get ideas of styles and to decide what features you do and don’t like, but don’t zero in on a particular style until you try on a few gowns and know what looks best with your figure. You might be surprised.

Limit the number of people you take shopping with you, at least initially. Too many people create distractions, take extra time, and each has his/her own opinion, making decisions difficult. Though in-put from others is important, the bride should make the final decision on the gown to purchase; don’t allow anyone to pressure you to make a decision you are not comfortable making.

Some bridal salons require an appointment to be certain they have adequate staff available. If you must make an appointment, don’t feel pressured to buy until you are ready. You can always go back later.

Dress appropriately. If you have a strapless bra, take it with you. Also take shoes with a heel height similar to what you may wear on your wedding day. Most gowns can be shortened, but having appropriate shoes will help you visualize how you will look in it. Wear make-up, but not too much; you don’t want to leave stains on the gowns.

Don’t be shocked by gown sizing. Most wedding gowns are sized larger than what you normally wear. For instance, if you wear a size 10, you might need a size 12 in a gown. Because gowns are form-fitting, you should choose one to fit your largest body measurement – waist, hips or bust. It is easy to take in the dress where it is loose, but it isn’t easy to increase the size without possibly harming the design of the dress.

Expect to pay extra for things like a slip or veil, but ask about discounts if you purchase everything at once.

If your gown has to be ordered, expect to wait 3 to 4 months to get it (most are made overseas), so order it early and allow time for alterations.

Ask about alterations. Many shops charge for them, and the fee can be considerable. You may be able to find an independent seamstress or tailor who will charge less. Most alterations are done within a month of the wedding. Brides may lose or gain weight or work out, making it necessary to repeat alterations if they are completed too far in advance.

Wedding shoes and undergarments are usually less expensive when purchased at a department store rather than at a bridal salon. The exception is slips and hoops, which tend to be available only at bridal salons. Some salons will rent them; others will not, so be sure to ask.

Check the sale racks. Many salons place last season’s gowns on sale. When it comes to wedding dresses, who cares if it was last season’s style if you love the dress.

Be careful about purchasing a gown over the internet. Before purchasing, find out the background of the shop or person offering it and ask about a return policy. Both new and used gowns are available on-line. Some new gowns come from shops that have gone out of business or those reducing inventory. Others may belong to a bride who cancelled her wedding. Used gowns often belong to someone whose marriage has ended or they are thrift shop close-outs. In most cases, you get the dress “as is,” which could mean stained or ripped. You may not be able to return the dress if there is a problem or it doesn’t fit and you will probably need to find a local seamstress to do alterations.

If you are on a budget, check local consignment shops and Craig’s List for new or slightly used gowns that you can try on before purchasing. Many such gowns are sold by women whose engagement was broken and they no longer want any reminder of their cancelled wedding.

Consider renting your gown. You won’t be able to pass it on to your daughter, but, assuming you have one, she may not want it anyway. Not all shops rent gowns, so check around. Popular styles need to be reserved several months in advance and you may find that you can purchase a gown on sale for the same price or less than renting one, so do your homework.

Shopping for your wedding gown can be fun or agonizing, depending on how your approach it. By taking time to prepare before shopping, you can savor the experience rather than being overwhelmed by it.

• Is there enough space to accommodate the anticipated number of guests?
• Is adequate parking available?
• Will the noise disturb neighbors?
• Will the homeowners need or want to make repairs or landscape? Some people use a special event as a catalyst to make home improvements; just don’t start remodeling the kitchen 3 weeks before a major event.
• Do the homeowners or neighbors have pets that might be a problem, such as an excitable dog?
• Do any guests have allergies or asthma that might be triggered by plants or pets?
• Is the home or yard handicapped-accessible, if necessary? Could someone in a wheel chair or using a walker get through doorways, down narrow halls, or into restrooms?
• If the event will be held in a yard, are there obstructions, such as sprinkler heads, that might cause a problem? What about insects? Is lighting adequate for evening events?
• If weather is bad, sidewalks may need to be shoveled; guests may need to be met with an umbrella, and space will be needed for wet or muddy shoes and coats.

Showers: Private homes are excellent locations for bridal showers, either indoors or in the yard. All you need is space for seating, food and gifts.

Rehearsal Dinners: A backyard is an excellent location for a casual rehearsal dinner. You might have a BBQ or hire a caterer. Tables, chairs, linens, dishware and special items like large coffee pots, can be rented. Be careful of music levels and disturbing neighbors.

Weddings and Receptions: Many homes can accommodate only a small ceremony in the house, but a larger one in the yard. Space will be needed for guest tables, ceremony seating, food tables, gift and guest book tables, cake or dessert table, and beverage tables. It is not necessarily less expensive to have a wedding at a home because of the cost of renting tables, chairs, linens, dishware, and other items. If weather could be a problem, it may be necessary to rent tents or canopies, as well as an item to create a focal point for the ceremony (an arch or small gazebo). Dancing can occur on a patio or deck. If that’s not available, then a dance floor may need to be rented.

The homeowner should plan to mow the lawn the day before the wedding, not the day of it, so grass stains on shoes and clothing can be minimized. The lawn should not be watered within 24 hours of the wedding.

If parking is a problem, it may be necessary to arrange for guests to park at a nearby school or church then be shuttled to the home. Blocking narrow streets can result in guests being ticketed for blocking a fire lane if a fire truck is unable to drive down the street, even if there is no emergency.

Neighbors should be informed of the event and the times so they won’t mow their lawns or engage in other noisy activities. They can be encouraged to keep dogs inside if the dogs would bark at guests.

Be careful of loud music. Many communities have noise ordinances that must be observed. Be certain that band leaders or DJs are willing to cooperate.

The homeowners should decide in advance whether they want caterers using the kitchen or guests entering the house to use the restroom. If not, porta-potties can be rented. Plan on one for every 50 guests.

If a caterer will be engaged, let them know where they will be working and where water and power outlets are located. If you don’t want caterers in the house, then set up a work area in a garage. If alcohol will be served, you may be able to do it yourself, but you will reduce your liability by hiring a professional bar service or at least a professional bar tender.

Be sure to provide plenty of trash containers. You may also want to set up a recycling station with containers for glass and cans.

Clean-up: The clean-up after a home event can be huge, so don’t leave it all for the homeowner. Instead, arrange for people to help with dishwashing, trash removal, stacking rented tables and chairs, and other chores. Choose someone to be in charge of removing gifts and any personal items, such as a bride or groom’s clothing.

Having a special event at a private home can be more personal and relaxed, but it involves a lot of work and often more expense than having the event elsewhere, so consider your options carefully before deciding on a home event.

©2009, Glenna Tooman, Memory Makers Event Planning, LLC

• Visit your local hardware store – check out the paint swatches and the “in” colors – new trends in home décor might be the ticket you need
• Take a stroll through furniture stores and the home décor section in your favorite department store – they’ll have the latest trends displayed in different combinations and textures
• Magazines – check out home decoration and gardening magazines for interesting color combinations and hot trends
• Wedding rentals – take a visit to your local rental location and see what hot ideas they have on display
• Craft stores – browse the aisles of your local craft store for ideas from new fabrics, scrapbooking supplies and more. They will have interesting color combinations that might fit your fancy – and you might even be inspired with additional ideas for decorations and favors… but that is another blog…